I Suffer

I suffer because I find no meaning.....

I can endure indignities, challenges, abuses and deprivations if I know that they have meaning.
Would Buddhism contend that this is ego?? (I'm pretty sure that's a YES...)

Is there a school of thought, a movement of energy, that contends for "integration"?
The integrating of spirit and material into the "perfecting" of the world we now experience...
And is "integration" (as opposed to separation of spirit and material, or escapism of the material world) a work of light? Or a work of darkness?
Enter consciousness.
Are we considered, or rather are we, "conscious" if we are outside the material world? 

Alive, yes. But conscious........ ???
There are stories in the bible.... Jesus dealing with demons or unclean spirits... These "spirits" or energies seemed to really wanna stay "material".... Why.

Is there a competition of sorts.... a WAR even.... over, not "mankind" but over MATERIALIZATION!?

Many worlds, many civilizations, there's no way we could be the only ones in the Universe.....
Are we ? ? ? ? ?
Are we the only fully integrated, "MATERIALIZED" society of beings....?

Why would there be a war for this?
What are the benefits of being materialized?
What are the advantages?

The five senses.
Can the non-material feel in any manner so as to give meaning to their existence??
Can the non-material enjoy their existence?
Why a material creation.... !!! ???
?? To EXPERIENCE ?? ???
Experience what and why..... ?

Is it simply ego to desire/need meaning?
Some suggest that ALL desire is ego.
Some suggest that all desire (ego?) is to be disengaged... done away with.
Then what's the purpose for existence??

Is THE WAR over ego?? 

Over ego and not over materialization....?
But therein poses the factor - Ego is materialization!
Nothing is materialized without ego..... ??? No? Yes?

I once wrote that the "key" to materialization was ego - that spot, that step, that fine line between spirit and mind that......creates!!!
Is this how it works? I simply speculate...

And why don't we remember???
Pain can cause "Alzheimer's" whether it be pathological or not... Things too painful to remember.... The "self" protects its existence by "forgetting". But if we re-incarnate, if our identity, our energy signature re-enters this world.... why do we not remember our cumulative experiences ? Or at least, why do we not remember more?
Why are we not afforded any sense of continuity for ourselves?
Ancient writings say some used to live hundreds of years.... Don't tell me they didn't remember their youth!
And yet what is a memory..... But a feeling. A feeling! A memory is worthless if it is a mere "fact" from the past. 
There is no one alive here today to contend for the events or facts of Columbus' first meeting with Native Americans. We have words written on papers and take these as "fact". How do we know these are true and accurate!? And why do we care? How do these "facts" make us feel?? Most would feel nothing. Because it is not a memory.
Memory requires feeling. Emotion. Recalling previously transpired events is simply mechanical language. Not memory. 

My childhood.... that is a memory. Because I may not remember the actual birth, but everything else attached to the events of my childhood are directly related to me whether I recall details in a mechanical fashion or not. It is mine. My experience. I feel it as I think about those past events. Memories.

And if we do away with all "attachments" for the sake of it being "attached"..... then we remember nothing. We become vegetables. Alive but only to reproduce the facts - DNA. Which is technically life. With no consciousness. No memory. No desire.

Sorry Buddhists. I guess I love my ego.
Sorry Christians. I guess I love my flesh.
Sorry Atheists. I guess I... believe in god.
And sorry self. I am a renegade taking my half always down the middle, reeking havoc on our sanity, never quite sure which side is which and why I need to be in only one lane at a time...

I suffer..... Until I find meaning.......