Abandoned

Fear comes from control issues....
Trust.
Who do ya trust? Who's in control?
When do ya trust?
Why do ya trust?

And where is "you" in all this?

Fear suggests that you believe you are NOT in control, suggesting that you believe you are not alone.....
And that someone you do not know and you do not trust may be in control of your environment.
This leaves you feeling vulnerable.
And afraid.

Suggesting...

Abandonment......
I'm starting to feel that the whooooooole ball o'wax is about abandonment....
Jesus' ultimate point of suffering was all about abandonment.

Abandonment.
Fear.
Trust.

I have learned, trust no one other than yourself.
It's unfair to burden others with your expectations of "truth" and "honesty".
Trust yourself, your own instincts. Listen to your heart and don't judge others for being less than your expectations. Make your choices accordingly.
This makes YOU responsible for you.
Trust issue solved.

But the fear and abandonment seem to linger....
I trust ME and hold ME accountable for my life, no one else, including religious imagery.
Still I feel abandoned and afraid.

Abandonment... I grew up with the mild religious teachings of God and Jesus.... Mild as opposed to devout and strict. If God made everything, including me, then why did I always feel alone... very alone.... very very alone.... Not accepted or understood by anybody, least of all family, with the very small exception of my Mother. Church people always said that Jesus would fill that empty place in your heart and life. I'm still waiting......... I still feel like I was dropped off on the wrong planet and forgotten.

No matter how "in tune" with myself I become, no matter how much the fears fade as I mature and continue to do this.... the abandonment will not fade.
Alone.
No one is ever there..... Not in my heart.... Not where loneliness lives.

Thru much inner work, thru surrendering to new perspectives and allowing my life to expand beyond the conditioning of humanity, I learn more and more trust from the circumstances of my life. The truth is, I'm always taken care of by "nobody". "Nobody" is always looking after me and I can't necessarily explain it. There's no one there, yet.... things always work out in my life.
So NOW my fear is being pushed to that one point where I break. That point where things DON'T work out.....! That point where I become a statistic on the street...
What's the difference between me and them? Who am I to judge...? And so.... I just trust me.... now.... no more.
Trust my intuition.
Trust that "something" bigger than me seems to be going on and NO I cannot control it.
The key seems to have been all along, to just pay attention. Listen. Don't resist my true inner nature. It seems to be magically guiding me to 'all the right places'.
Not necessarily where I think I wanna be... But most definitely where I am safe.... from everything....
So far.... Every time I am in need, something comes along to fill that need. I have no control. It freaks me out. If I let it, it drives me mad.
Come to find out, that's just my mind trying to protect me, trying to survive.... And come to find out, that mind of mine is where the fear comes from when it doesn't feel in control.... And come to find out, that mind of mine isn't the one always bailing me out, meeting my needs, making the magic!
I think REALIZING THIS is the key to success. Success being - always being taken care of.... NOT succumbing to the fate of my wildest fears.

This may not be what YOU need.
But its what I need.
It's where I am and this is my experience.

I've also learned that reading and hearing other's experiences can often hit a very live nerve and bring lots of comfort!

Just like the movie Boogieman.... The only way to get rid of him is to realize he's only as real as you make him. Face him - your own fears - and he will lose his power over you.

Guarded

Guarded.
Those who have come into this world as "gifteds" often meet immediate onslaught, sexually abused as children, nothing seems to cause a deeper more "effective" disruption in there development as humans, who's purpose is to bring the energy of light and love, to encourage others, to strengthen and help set free, awaken.... Nothing is more effective in creating a solid wall to block this deepest energy that these gifteds contain!

Afraid of the energy they feel inside.
Confused.... they have nowhere to turn.
The holiest, most innocent part of their being has been violated already, and in order to heal and continue to live, that holy of holies is sealed.

Much instinct battles the psyche for control as these gifteds grow and mature as humans... They are drawn.... compelled... driven toward universal truth. And they find it only if they survive the pain, the loneliness, the isolation and fear of what they feel, see and sense inside. They are 'not of this world'. They came to bring a light, a message, a helping hand. But they end up struggling to survive and many many times this message and its power are lost.
Once they do begin to uncover the truths of the universe buried in their souls, they now struggle to feel the genuine, authentic connection to source and to true family.
They learn to go thru the motions.... But still they are empty inside.... They're doing all the right things but there is no relief to the yearning for connection inside.
This is why sex can often become an addiction for them.... They crave connection on the deepest level whether they realize this or not! Not simply acceptance or attention, or even meaning! But CONNECTION.

They are guarded. Always guarded.
Even when they don't think they are.

How do we open these vaults and set their purpose free???