Abandoned

Fear comes from control issues....
Trust.
Who do ya trust? Who's in control?
When do ya trust?
Why do ya trust?

And where is "you" in all this?

Fear suggests that you believe you are NOT in control, suggesting that you believe you are not alone.....
And that someone you do not know and you do not trust may be in control of your environment.
This leaves you feeling vulnerable.
And afraid.

Suggesting...

Abandonment......
I'm starting to feel that the whooooooole ball o'wax is about abandonment....
Jesus' ultimate point of suffering was all about abandonment.

Abandonment.
Fear.
Trust.

I have learned, trust no one other than yourself.
It's unfair to burden others with your expectations of "truth" and "honesty".
Trust yourself, your own instincts. Listen to your heart and don't judge others for being less than your expectations. Make your choices accordingly.
This makes YOU responsible for you.
Trust issue solved.

But the fear and abandonment seem to linger....
I trust ME and hold ME accountable for my life, no one else, including religious imagery.
Still I feel abandoned and afraid.

Abandonment... I grew up with the mild religious teachings of God and Jesus.... Mild as opposed to devout and strict. If God made everything, including me, then why did I always feel alone... very alone.... very very alone.... Not accepted or understood by anybody, least of all family, with the very small exception of my Mother. Church people always said that Jesus would fill that empty place in your heart and life. I'm still waiting......... I still feel like I was dropped off on the wrong planet and forgotten.

No matter how "in tune" with myself I become, no matter how much the fears fade as I mature and continue to do this.... the abandonment will not fade.
Alone.
No one is ever there..... Not in my heart.... Not where loneliness lives.

Thru much inner work, thru surrendering to new perspectives and allowing my life to expand beyond the conditioning of humanity, I learn more and more trust from the circumstances of my life. The truth is, I'm always taken care of by "nobody". "Nobody" is always looking after me and I can't necessarily explain it. There's no one there, yet.... things always work out in my life.
So NOW my fear is being pushed to that one point where I break. That point where things DON'T work out.....! That point where I become a statistic on the street...
What's the difference between me and them? Who am I to judge...? And so.... I just trust me.... now.... no more.
Trust my intuition.
Trust that "something" bigger than me seems to be going on and NO I cannot control it.
The key seems to have been all along, to just pay attention. Listen. Don't resist my true inner nature. It seems to be magically guiding me to 'all the right places'.
Not necessarily where I think I wanna be... But most definitely where I am safe.... from everything....
So far.... Every time I am in need, something comes along to fill that need. I have no control. It freaks me out. If I let it, it drives me mad.
Come to find out, that's just my mind trying to protect me, trying to survive.... And come to find out, that mind of mine is where the fear comes from when it doesn't feel in control.... And come to find out, that mind of mine isn't the one always bailing me out, meeting my needs, making the magic!
I think REALIZING THIS is the key to success. Success being - always being taken care of.... NOT succumbing to the fate of my wildest fears.

This may not be what YOU need.
But its what I need.
It's where I am and this is my experience.

I've also learned that reading and hearing other's experiences can often hit a very live nerve and bring lots of comfort!

Just like the movie Boogieman.... The only way to get rid of him is to realize he's only as real as you make him. Face him - your own fears - and he will lose his power over you.

Guarded

Guarded.
Those who have come into this world as "gifteds" often meet immediate onslaught, sexually abused as children, nothing seems to cause a deeper more "effective" disruption in there development as humans, who's purpose is to bring the energy of light and love, to encourage others, to strengthen and help set free, awaken.... Nothing is more effective in creating a solid wall to block this deepest energy that these gifteds contain!

Afraid of the energy they feel inside.
Confused.... they have nowhere to turn.
The holiest, most innocent part of their being has been violated already, and in order to heal and continue to live, that holy of holies is sealed.

Much instinct battles the psyche for control as these gifteds grow and mature as humans... They are drawn.... compelled... driven toward universal truth. And they find it only if they survive the pain, the loneliness, the isolation and fear of what they feel, see and sense inside. They are 'not of this world'. They came to bring a light, a message, a helping hand. But they end up struggling to survive and many many times this message and its power are lost.
Once they do begin to uncover the truths of the universe buried in their souls, they now struggle to feel the genuine, authentic connection to source and to true family.
They learn to go thru the motions.... But still they are empty inside.... They're doing all the right things but there is no relief to the yearning for connection inside.
This is why sex can often become an addiction for them.... They crave connection on the deepest level whether they realize this or not! Not simply acceptance or attention, or even meaning! But CONNECTION.

They are guarded. Always guarded.
Even when they don't think they are.

How do we open these vaults and set their purpose free???

The Way of Truth

There are still a lot of you that are NOT making your own decisions.
That means that somebody else has to.

In that gulf that separates you from having the courage to make your own decisions, even if they're hard decisions, they are yours to make.... in that gulf are the very "monsters" and dread that keep you too afraid to make those hard decisions.......

When you cannot face your fears on your terms, you end up facing them on someone else's. How much scarier is that!?

In order to maintain control of your life you have to surrender mental control, to the leadership of your inner self, your soul..... god.

Sometimes in this process we awaken.... We begin to realize that everything around us is a lie..... That everything we've been taught is causing us all to suffer.
And we have the choice to make of walking in truth.... Or selling our soul to the lie. Once your eyes are opened, and you see what's going on... At that point you become accountable for all the truth that you see but do not walk in.
This...... This is huge.
And it takes great courage to continue to seek out and live a life of truth.

If you want to learn, you will.
The deepest desires of your heart always gravitate toward you. Often times your "mind" never becomes clear about what those heart-desires are, and this creates conflict within your life. Your mind is telling you one thing but your life is pulling you in a different direction. This is that time when surrender to the inner self is the only thing that will give you relief, the only thing that will allow you to change and transform beyond an old dead shell of a life that you've outgrown.

The life of truth is one you can never accomplish.
That's right.
Never.
So stop trying.
You can LIVE this life, but it is not something that "you accomplish".
As a matter of fact, "trying to accomplish" is all a part of the lie.
True life is effortless.
Our struggles come in letting go of all the crap we've been programmed with so that this life can happen.

Surrender. Let go. Feel the truth. It will guide you.
In this current time, the matrix of lies that have been woven over our world and thru out humanity is under attack. These lies are being exposed. This is creating monstrous manifestations in humanity of cruelty, greed, fear that are driving a dark energy toward a compulsion to dominate by force.
In this time, if you choose to live in the truth, you will find yourself having to simply stand and not budge.... not waver.... not doubt.... and not fear.

This life is not for everybody.
This message is not for everybody.
But if it is for you, then be encouraged. No matter what your mind is telling you, no matter what you feel, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You are not alone. NEVER fear. Simply stand in the truth. Let your energy and lack of fear, which is love, radiate like the sun. Just be.
Love will lead you to do whatever it is you need to do. Love will make a way where there is no way.

Don't be afraid to make the hard choices. Don't drag dead bodies around. Don't let your mind rule you.

Surrender.
Let go.
Feel.
Breathe.

STAND.

I Suffer

I suffer because I find no meaning.....

I can endure indignities, challenges, abuses and deprivations if I know that they have meaning.
Would Buddhism contend that this is ego?? (I'm pretty sure that's a YES...)

Is there a school of thought, a movement of energy, that contends for "integration"?
The integrating of spirit and material into the "perfecting" of the world we now experience...
And is "integration" (as opposed to separation of spirit and material, or escapism of the material world) a work of light? Or a work of darkness?
Enter consciousness.
Are we considered, or rather are we, "conscious" if we are outside the material world? 

Alive, yes. But conscious........ ???
There are stories in the bible.... Jesus dealing with demons or unclean spirits... These "spirits" or energies seemed to really wanna stay "material".... Why.

Is there a competition of sorts.... a WAR even.... over, not "mankind" but over MATERIALIZATION!?

Many worlds, many civilizations, there's no way we could be the only ones in the Universe.....
Are we ? ? ? ? ?
Are we the only fully integrated, "MATERIALIZED" society of beings....?

Why would there be a war for this?
What are the benefits of being materialized?
What are the advantages?

The five senses.
Can the non-material feel in any manner so as to give meaning to their existence??
Can the non-material enjoy their existence?
Why a material creation.... !!! ???
?? To EXPERIENCE ?? ???
Experience what and why..... ?

Is it simply ego to desire/need meaning?
Some suggest that ALL desire is ego.
Some suggest that all desire (ego?) is to be disengaged... done away with.
Then what's the purpose for existence??

Is THE WAR over ego?? 

Over ego and not over materialization....?
But therein poses the factor - Ego is materialization!
Nothing is materialized without ego..... ??? No? Yes?

I once wrote that the "key" to materialization was ego - that spot, that step, that fine line between spirit and mind that......creates!!!
Is this how it works? I simply speculate...

And why don't we remember???
Pain can cause "Alzheimer's" whether it be pathological or not... Things too painful to remember.... The "self" protects its existence by "forgetting". But if we re-incarnate, if our identity, our energy signature re-enters this world.... why do we not remember our cumulative experiences ? Or at least, why do we not remember more?
Why are we not afforded any sense of continuity for ourselves?
Ancient writings say some used to live hundreds of years.... Don't tell me they didn't remember their youth!
And yet what is a memory..... But a feeling. A feeling! A memory is worthless if it is a mere "fact" from the past. 
There is no one alive here today to contend for the events or facts of Columbus' first meeting with Native Americans. We have words written on papers and take these as "fact". How do we know these are true and accurate!? And why do we care? How do these "facts" make us feel?? Most would feel nothing. Because it is not a memory.
Memory requires feeling. Emotion. Recalling previously transpired events is simply mechanical language. Not memory. 

My childhood.... that is a memory. Because I may not remember the actual birth, but everything else attached to the events of my childhood are directly related to me whether I recall details in a mechanical fashion or not. It is mine. My experience. I feel it as I think about those past events. Memories.

And if we do away with all "attachments" for the sake of it being "attached"..... then we remember nothing. We become vegetables. Alive but only to reproduce the facts - DNA. Which is technically life. With no consciousness. No memory. No desire.

Sorry Buddhists. I guess I love my ego.
Sorry Christians. I guess I love my flesh.
Sorry Atheists. I guess I... believe in god.
And sorry self. I am a renegade taking my half always down the middle, reeking havoc on our sanity, never quite sure which side is which and why I need to be in only one lane at a time...

I suffer..... Until I find meaning.......

The Human Virus

I  feel as if the world is winding down.  Coming to an end.

I feel a cataclysmic struggle to stand firm against the storm and the onslaught of darkness and evil.

I had an image of how the earth is indeed infected with a disease, a virus - the illusion of evil.

How do we, the living host, who is one with the earth and the heavens, rid ourselves of this virus?!

It became quite literal in my head.  Quite obvious.  All the symptoms match the profile of a virus.

How would we deal with a virus in our own body?

There is no simple "cure" for a virus.  You either ride it out until it passes if its mild, or you kill it if its severe.  And killing it often times means damaging the healthy parts of your body as well as the virus.  

So what do you do..... ? ? ?

A good start would be to study Virus.

Viral populations do not grow through cell division, because they are a

-

cellular

 (the have no cells)

. Instead, they use the machinery and metabolism of a host cell to produce multiple copies of themselves, and they assemble in the cell.

 

Opinions differ on whether viruses are a form of life, or organic structures that interact with living organisms. They have been described as "organisms at the edge of life", since they resemble organisms in that they possess genes and evolve by natural selection, and reproduce by creating multiple copies of themselves through self-assembly. Although they have genes, they do not have a cellular structure, which is often seen as the basic unit of life. Viruses do not have their own metabolism, and require a host cell to make new products. They therefore cannot naturally reproduce outside a host cell – although bacterial species such as rickettsia and chlamydia are considered living organisms despite the same limitation.

  

Accepted forms of life use cell division to reproduce, whereas viruses spontaneously assemble within cells. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virus

A virus cannot "activate" outside another living organism.  It can "exist" in tact, but it cannot do anything  without a living host.  Its only function in this world is to overtake living cells.  Weak attempts to kill virus only cause it to mutate and become stronger.  If you don't know what you're doing you only make it worse!

Believe it or not, new research shows that viruses can be killed..... with LIGHT!

 

If that does not demonstrate to you how the "material" is a reflection of the psycho\emo\spiritu santo of the human condition..... !!!!!

What is the remedy for this "virus" of illusion that infects all of mankind?  What is it that is causing many to become free of this virus of illusion that blankets the entire planet?? Awakening.  Becoming aware.  Which is often associated with.... The Light!  Morning.  Dawning.

Other remedies for "killing" virus is chemotherapy.  We all know that chemo is almost as deadly as the virus itself! Chemo damages good, living cells right along with the infected cells!  This "metaphor" for our current human condition is seen in our feeble, useless, further-damaging attempts to fix ourselves thru artificial means... fix ourselves without ever having to turn the light of our soul on, without ever having to awaken to our refusal to SEE, which requires light...!  

For instance, in America, our government is COMPLETELY BROKEN and while we all know this, we keep right on living in the past, voting for "new" leaders just as corrupt as the former ones choosing to somehow believe that these new ones will be the cure.... they will NOT be infected with the system of corruption!  How long will we continue this "chemo" that is causing more and more damage...!?  And at this point, damage to the whole world!

The light!  The truth.  Honesty.  Getting real.  Calling out.  Not backing down.  

Facing fear right in the eyes.

You have a virus.  It is deadly.  You can deal with it now thru the circumstances in your life that the universe is handing you, or you can deal with it later.  The longer you run from the healing light, the more this virus is taking over your soul.... until one day very soon, you will no longer be you.  You will no longer be free to choose.  You will be consumed with darkness.  You will become a zombie.  The living dead.  

Most people would rather endure actual chemo than deal with the truth of their own soul.

Come into the light.

It is your only hope.